fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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