We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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