Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
