can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
