even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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