I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
