she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Watching her eat just hurts me
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
