so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
