I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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