Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
