I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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