can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
