so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize