my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
