My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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