i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
