she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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