My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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