My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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