We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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