They should really pass out barf bags in church
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
