It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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