fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
