first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
