I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
