I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
