John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
