There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
