I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
