he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
