I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize