Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
