go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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