Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
