Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
