I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
wow bdsm is so cute
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
