He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
