I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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