don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Acid is not a monday night drug
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
