I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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