need another drink. this is the easiest way
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Randomize
