Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize