i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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