I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
