So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
