eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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