You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
