He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
