Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Too much gin, very little bucket
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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