One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
