Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
