I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
