I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize