My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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