I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
