i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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