I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
