Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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