I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
