I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize