The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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