She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize