it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
