Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
