so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
