my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Text me some of your sweat
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
