i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
