I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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