Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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